Chapter1
TwoweeksbeforeChristmas
JamescameinstantlyawakeasJuliaslidoutofhisbed, butkepthisbreathingeven.Itwasn’teasy.
Shewasleaving.
Again.
They’dbeentogetherforsixmonths.Notjustsleeping together.No,whattheysharedinthisbed–andinhisshower andonhisstairs,orwhereverelsetheycouldgetateachother
–wassomuchmorethansex.
Andyetshe’dneverspenttheentirenightwithhim.When hewokeup,she’dbegone.Oh,she’dleaveanote,inlipgloss onhisbathroommirror,acutepost-itonhisfridge,ascribbled
“haveagoodday”onhisnightstand.
Butshe’dstillbegone.
Atfirsthehadn’tminded.Hisworkwasdemandingandhe wasatitforlonghourshandcraftingwoodfurnitureforashop intheCowHollowdistrictofSanFrancisco.Itwasphysically intensiveandhe’dalwayslikedhavinghisbedtohimself.
Buthenolongerwantedthat.HewantedJulia.Besidehim.
Beneathhim.Ontopofhim…Howeverhecouldgether.Hewas beginningtowonderifhewastheonlyonewhofeltthat.Maybe shedidn’twanttobewithhimpastthegoodsex.Exceptthat didn’tfly.They’dhadalotofadventurestogether,andshe alwaysseemedsohappywhenshewaswithhim.Butthen again,whywouldshealwayswaitforhimtofallasleepbefore sneakingout?
He’dtoldhermorethanoncethatshedidn’tneedtogo.
Butshe’dhadanexcuse;anearlymeetingatthehospital whereshewasheadnurse,orshehadtorunerrands.
Itwasalwayssomething.
Itwasnever“Iwanttostaywithyou,James…”
He’dunderstood.Untilhedidn’t.
Hethoughtaboutthegoldenheartnecklaceinablack velvetboxinhisjeanspocketonthefloorwiththerestoftheir clothes.He’dgottenitearlierinthedayandplannedtowrapit andhaveitbeneathhisChristmastreeforheronChristmas day.Buthehadn’tgottenthatfarwhenshe’ddroppedthe dressshe’dwornontheirdateanddistractedhimwithher sweet,curvy,gorgeousbodthathecouldnevergetenoughof.
Andnow,justbeforedawn,shewassoeagertoescape himthatshewasquietlyandquicklygatheringupherclothes, leavinghisroomstillbareassnaked.Thedoorshutsilently behindherandheletithappen,lethergo,staringupatthe ceiling,nolongersleepy.Justcold.
OneweekbeforeChristmas
ThenighthadbeenoneofhisfavoriteswithJuliasofar.
Nowtheywereinhisbedandhewasholdinghertightwhile sheslept.Hehadawindowopentoalightbreezeblowing softlyovertheirstilldampbodies,allthecoverstumbledtothe floor.HecouldfeelthesmallaftertremorsstillwrackingJulia.
Hisownbodywassosatedheprobablywouldn’tevenregistera pulse.They’ddecimatedthebedandeachother,andit’dbeen
…amazing.
She’dbeenovernearlyeverysinglenightthisweekand yetshewasstillalwaysgonewhenhewokeup.Buttonighthe refusedtolethimselfgotosleepafterthey’dmadeeggnogand slowdancedtocheesyChristmasmusicinfrontofhisfireplace.
Instead,helaythereholdingher,waiting.
Andsureenough,neardawn,sheslidoutofhisarmsand outofhisbed.Shedressedquicklyandquietlyinthepitchdark roombeforecomingtohisbedsideandbrushingherlipstohis temple.“Goodbye,”shewhispered.
Heopenedhiseyes.“Youdon’thavetoleave,”hesaid.
Shewentutterlystill.
Leaningpasther,heflickedonthelamp.
Hereyeswerehugeinherface.
“Youdon’thavetoleave,”hesaidagain,quietly.
“IcalledanUber.I’vegotsomestufftodofirstthing,and
—”
“Wedidn’tgetmuchsleep.You’retired.”Hedidn’twant hertogo.Hewantedhertostay,hewantedtoknowwhatit wouldbeliketowakeupwithhermorningaftermorning.
Tonight–ormoreaccuratelythismorning–hewantedto knowwhy.
“James,”shesaidsoftly,withaslowshakeofherhead.
Shewasn’tgoingtostay.Sittingup,heswunghislegs overthesideofthebedandreachedforher,pullingher betweenhisthighsandpressinghisfaceintothecrookofher neck.Shesmelledlikehervanillashampooandhim,andhe wascertainhe’dnevergetenoughofher.
Gentlypullingback,shewalkedoutoftheroom.
Hepickedhisjeansoffthefloorandtuggedthemon, followingherintothelivingroom.“What’sgoingon,whatamI missing?”
Shestilled,thencamebacktohimandforamoment,he thoughtshe’dchangedhermind,thatshe’dstay.Butsheput herhandonhisbarechest,smiledupathim,whispered“Go backtosleep”,andwithasoftkiss,sheturnedtothedoor.
“Youcouldbesleepingrightnow,”hesaid.“Idon’tmindif
youstay.”
Hershouldersstiffenedsobrieflyhewasn’tsurehe’d actuallyseenitorimaginedit.“Itoldyou,”shemurmured.
“I’vegotstufftodo.”
Hewatchedassheslippedintohershoes.Shewouldn’t meethiseyes.“You’relying.”
Shereactedasifhe’dhither.Sheraisedherhead,looking stunnedandhurt.“No,I’mnot.”
“Thenyou’reholdingsomethingback.Doyouwantoutof this?Outofus?”
“No,”shewhispered.
“Isitnotwhatyouthoughtitwouldbe?AmIdoing somethingwrong?”
Thehurtinhereyeschangedtoshock.“Ofcoursenot,”
shesaid.“Iwanttobewithyou.”
“Thenwhydon’tweeverspendthenighttogether?You neverstay.”
Shedrewadeepbreath.“Yourlasttwogirlfriendswere clingy.Youtoldmethatearlyon.Thatyouwishedthey’dhad theirownlivestomakethemhappysoitdidn’tallfallonyou.”
Heblinked.
“Irefusedtobetheclingygirlfriendwho’dneverleaveyou alone,”shesaidsoftly.“Thegirlwhodependedonyoufortheir happiness.”
Heshookhishead.“Itwasourseconddate,Ithink,yes?”
Shenodded.
“Weweremakingbartalk.Youtoldmeaboutyourex,and howhegotweirdlypossessive,andthenaboutyourmom’s assholeboyfriends,andhowtheytreatedyou.Iknewfromour firstdateIwantedyouforkeeps,butIalsoknewI’dprove myselfwithactionsandwitforyoutobelieveinme.Inus.”
“Youneveraskedmetostay,”shewhispered.
“What?”
“Youneveroncesaid‘Iwantyoutostaythenightwithme, Julia.”
“Isaiditeverynight.”
“No,youdidn’t.”Shelookeddownathershoes.Theywere
athleticshoes,theonessheusedwhenshewasonherfeetfor longhoursatthehospital.Theywerebeatup,andheknewshe neededanewpair.He’dorderedthemafewdaysago,planning tousethemasadistractiongiftforthenecklace.Juliafinally lookedupatmethisgaze.“Youneversayyouwantmeto stay,”shewhispered.“Yousayit’slateandthatIdon’thaveto go,oryoudon’tmindifIwanttostay,ormyfavorite…you canstayifyouwant.”Sheshookherhead.“Butyouneverask metostayortellmethatyouwouldlikeformeto,thatyou wantmetostaywithyou.”
Shecouldhaveknockedhimoverwithafeather.Andwhile hewasstandingthere,thoughtsspinning,rerunningeverything he’deversaidtoher,shepokedherfingerintohisbarechest.
“That’swhyIwaitforyoutoinstigateseeingeachother,soI knowyouwanttobewithme.Idon’twanttocrowdyou, James.Ilikedyousomuchsofast,Iwasafraidthat
I’dscare youoffwithitall.Ididn’twanttorisklosingyoubypushingor askingformorethanyouwantedtogive.”Sheletoutabreath.
“Soifyouwantmore,allyouhavetodoisask,becauseIlove youandI’llgiveyouasmuchoraslittleasyouwant.Theonly thingIdon’twant…istoloseyou.”
Hestaredatherasherwordssankin.“Youloveme?”
Hewatchedherinhalearaggedbreath.“Yes.”Shegavea wrysmile.“Ididn’tmeantoflingitatyouinthemiddleofan argument,butIdo.Iloveyou,James.ButjustbecauseIsaidit doesn’tmeanyouhavetosayitback.Iknowyoucareforme.”
“Julia,wait.I—"
“No,”shesaidfiercely.“Don’tyoutellmenow,not becauseIwassillyenoughtoblurtitoutinanargument.
Please,James,justthinkaboutitall,abouteverythingIsaid.
I’mnotevergoingtorushyou.”
“MaybeI’mnottheonlyonefeelingrushed,”hesaid quietly,noticingthewayherpulsewasracingatthebaseofher
throat.Shelookedalmostpanickedthathemightsay somethinghedidn’tmeanjusttoappeaseher.Andhegotit.
She’dbeenhurt,andsheneededtimetobelieveinthis,inhim.
Andthatwassomethinghecouldgiveher.
Hewalkedtoher,cuppedherfaceandlookeddeeplyinto hereyes.“You’llletmeknowwhen,”hemurmured,andgave heronelastkiss,feelinghisheartrolloverandexposeits underbellyasshenoddedandslippedaway.
Chapter2
ChristmasEve
JuliastoodinlineatthecoffeeshopintheCowHollow districtofSanFrancisco,nervesjanglingthroughherstomach likeaswarmofbutterfliesgonewild.Itwasprobablylackof sleep.Stillinhernursescrubs,shewasfreshoffatwelve-hour nightshiftintheER.
Shehadn’tmanagedtogetmuchsleepintheweeksince she’dseenJames.Partofitwasthatshe’dhadtotakeon severaldoubleshiftsatthehospitalthisweekduetoaflu ravagingthestaff.
Theotherpartwasherowndoing.She’dwalkedawayfrom thebestmanshe’deverknown.Andwhy?
Becauseshewasscared.
Terrified,actually.
Lovehadneverdoneadamnthingexcepthurther,and shedidn’tknowhowtobelieve.Jameswasamanofhisword, buthewasalsoamanoffewwords.Heshowedhisfeelings withhisactions,sheknewthat,justassheknewit’dlefther withmorethanashadowofadoubt.
Sowhathadshedone?She’dthrownherfeelingsathim andwalkedaway.She’dtoldhimsheneededtimeandbeing themanhewas,he’dgivenittoher.
Butshemissedhim.God,shemissedhim.“Whatareyou evendoing?”shemurmuredtoherself.
“Idon’tknow,honey,”saidtheoldmanbehindherwho lookedlikeEinstein,ifEinsteinhadgonetoWoodstock.“Butif youcan’tfigureitout,someofusarejonesingforamuffin,so doyoumind?It’snotlikeI’vegotalotoftimeleft.”
Theoldwomanwithhimsmackedhimonthearm.“Stop scaringperfectstrangersintothinkingyou’reonyourdeathbed.
Youprovedthatisn’tevenclosetotruelastnightonour anniversarydate.”Shewinked.“AndI’mhopingyou’regoingto
proveitagaintonight.”
Themankissedhiswoman’scheek.“Whateveryouwant, CuteStuff.Always…”
Thewomansnortedandmovedoutoflinetostudythe displaycasefilledwithdeliciouslookingmuffins.
“HappyAnniversary,”Juliasaid.“Howlonghaveyoutwo beentogether?”
Themangrinned.“Aweek.ButI’mgoingtomarryherif she’llhaveme.”
Julia’sheartwarmed,butitdidn’tstaythatway.She missedJames.Somuch.Theworstpartwasthathe’dberight herebyhersideifshehadn’tletoldinsecuritiessabotagethe bestthingthathadeverhappenedtoher.
He’djustrecentlytakenonhisdreamjob,handcrafting woodfurnitureforReclaimedWoods,anupscalefurnitureshop inthisverybuilding. Amazingfurniture,ifshesaidsoherself.
He’dmadeanameforhimselfandwasoneofthecity’sArtists ontheRisethisyear.Shewasproudofhim,soproud.Andshe lovedhim.Nomatterthatshe’dletherfearsgetaholdofher, lovinghimhadn’tgoneaway.
Great,andnowshecouldfeelherbreathquickeningin anxiety.Shewasgoingtohaveapanicattack.
“Youokay,honey?”theoldmanasked.“Youlooklikeyou needapaperbagtoputoveryourmouth.”
Shelaughedalittlebreathlessly.“Yeah.”
“WhenIgetanxiety,Iuseapaperbagtoo.Idrinkallthe bourboninside.Ithelpsalot.”
Sheletoutalittlelaugh.“Caretosharewhat’syoursecret toyourweekoldrelationship?”sheaskedtheoldman.
“Easy.”Hewinkedather.“She’salwaysright.”
“Molly!”thewomanbehindthecountercalledout.Her namewasTina,andshenotonlyownedtheshopdecoratedlike aholidaymovieset,shemadethebestcoffeeandmuffinson theplanet.“OrderreadyforMolly!”
Awoman,Mollyapparently,steppedupandreachedfor theofferedtrayoffourcoffees,butamanbeathertoit, slippingTinathecashdirectly.“Gotit,babe,”hesaidtoMolly,
andthenkissedtheveryluckywomanonthelipsbeforethey walkedoutoftheshophandinhand.
Julia’sheartsqueezed.Jameslookedatherlikethat,like nooneelseintheroomexisted.Shemovedtothecounterand pointedtothemuffins.“Adozen,please.”Hermom,a maternitynurseatthesamehospitalasshe,alwayssaidshe wantedTina’smuffinsmorethanair.Andhermom,who’d raisedJuliaonherownafterbeingdumpedbymanafterman, allwhileworkingherassofftokeeparoofovertheirheadsand foodintheirbellies,rarelyspentapennyonherself.
SonowthatJuliawasactuallykeepingherheadabove water,shetriedtospoilhermomwheneverpossible.
JameshadoftendonethesameforJulia.HelovedTina’s fudge,whichshedidn’tmakeoften.Butthankfullytherewas someinthedisplaytoday,andasshestaredatit,shecouldn’t helpbutremembersomeofthewayssheandJameshad sharedit,afewofthemextremely,eroticallynaughty.
She’dmethimwhenhe’dcomeintotheERsixmonthsago afternearlyslicinghisthumboffatwork.She’dassistedin gettinghimstitchedupandhe’daskedherout.
She’dneverlookedback.
Unlikeanyothermaninherlife,he’dstuck.Throughthick andthin,andthickagain.Throughanythingshethrewathim, liketryingtopushhimawayjusttoproveshewasn’tmeantfor love.
Heworkedrighthereinthisbuilding.Shecould’vegone anywhereforcoffeeandmuffins,butshehadn’t.Apartofher, ahugepartofher,hadhopedtoseehim.
You’llletmeknowwhen…
Thosehadbeenhislastwordstoheraftercuppingherface andlookingdeeplyintohereyes.
Thathadbeenaweekago.Onelong,heartbreakingweek duringwhichshe’ddonenothingbutthinkabouthim;hissmile, hislaugh,hiscallusedhands,sostrongyetsotenderonher skin.
“Anythingelse?”Tinaasked,makingherjump.
Shepointedtothefudge.“Apoundofthat,please,”she
said,voicealittletrembly.“Thanks.”AndwhileTinarangher up,Juliapulledoutherphone,andwithnohesitationsenta texttoJames.
When.
Outside,shestoppedandblinkedbeforewalkingacrossthe cobblestonecourtyard,decoratedfortheholidaywithendless stringsofwhitetwinklinglightsandpottedChristmastrees.She tookinthesightofO’Riley’sPub,wheresheandJameshad goneontheirseconddate.
Herbatteredsneakersweresilentonthecobblestonesas shewalked,slowingneartheendofthecourtyar
d,notquiteto whereReclaimedWoodshadtheirshop.Notgoingfarther,she satonthebenchinfrontofagorgeoushundred-year-old fountain.Jameshadtoldheraboutitslegend,whichsaidthatif onewishedonthefountainfortruelovewithatrueheart,it wouldcometrue.
She’dlaughedandJameshadveryseriouslyhandedhera quarter.
Takingthedare,she’dclosedhereyes,wishedon somethingshedidn’tbelievein–truelove–andtossedthe coin.
Thenthey’dkissedforthefirsttime.
Theoldmanwordsabouthisgirlfriendinthecoffeeshop reverberatedinherhead. She’salwaysright.
Jameshadbeentherightonethistime.Hemadeher laugh,hemadeherfeelgood,hemadeherfeelspecial.Sexy.
Smart.Thetwoofthembelongedtogether.She’dfoughtit,but thatwasfear.Shemissedhimsomuchthatsheached.
Thebenchrockedalittleasanunbearablyfamiliarbuilt bodydressedinjeansandablackT-shirt,bothcoveredin sawdust,satnexttoher.
SheturnedherheadandmetJames’sdarkblueeyes.
“Hey,”shewhispered.
“Hey.”Heleanedforwardandworkedatbrushinghimself offrunninghisfingersthroughhissun-kissedbrownhairsothat sawdustraineddownoverthebothofthem.Whenhefinished helookedather.“Igotyourtext,andIwasraisedtobea
gentlemansoIknowIshouldletyougofirst,butIhave somethingtosaythatcan’twait.”
Herheartclutched.Maybeshe’dfreakedhimoutby exposinghersecretinsecuritiestohim.Maybeit’dbeenher declarationoflove.Eitherway,itwasherownfault.
Butwhateverhesaid,nomatterhowithurt,shewould acceptit.Becauseshe’dblownherchance.Shegavehima tightnodandtriedtoremembertobreathe.
“Yousaidsomethingslastweekthatsurprisedme,”he said,lookingrightintohereyes.“WhenIdidn’tthinkIcouldbe surprised.Butyouwereright.I wascarefulwithmywords whenitcametoyou,andthatwasmyownwayofprotecting myself.Iputupashield,andthendeniedit,eventomyself.I needyou,Julia.Ididn’trealizehowmuchuntilyouleft.With you,Ifeellessaloneandforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iknow whatcontentmentfeelslike.Iloveyou,Julia.Sodamnmuchit hurts”Heletoutaraggedbreath.“Okay.That’sit.Ineededto makesureyouknewthat.”Helookeddownathistightly claspedhands,scarredandcallousedfromhiswork.“Sowhat arewedoingnow?Fighting,or…”