I smell the grass
I smell each and every
Blade of grass
I smell a butt
Oh hey, it’s Lou!
I smell frustration
Oh hey, that’s you!
I sniff, I snort, I even snuff
And with every scent my nose does sing
But you say quite sharply
it’s been two hours
So let’s smell what the next foot
of our walk does bring
Splash
I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I’m wet
I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I’m soaked
I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I’m drenched
I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
I’m begging you
Please stop skipping stones across the lake
Because clearly I don’t know
When not to chase something
Chasing Cars
I’m getting closer
I’m picking up speed
I’m catching up
I’m almost upon it
Yes!
I did it!
Now I can finally read
What that bumper sticker says
Oh, apparently there’s a presidential election
In 2004
Really, dude, update your car decals
Sheepdog
You go to the left
You go to the right
You stand next to me
And done
I’ve successfully herded
All your children by instinct
And in order of attractiveness
Oh, and tell Billy I’m sorry
But I’m sure he’ll grow into his nose
Outside the Store
I don’t very much like
Being tied up outside the store
I don’t very much like
Looking as if I were forgotten
I don’t very much like
Having to make small talk with passing dogs
I don’t very much like
How it looks as if it might rain
How it feels as if you’ve been gone forever
How the only thing I have to read
Is the same parking sign again and again
I don’t very much like
That you tied me up outside the store
Which is why I’m not going to the bathroom
Until we get home
Little One
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT, HUH?!
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!
YOU THINK I’M AFRAID OF YOU, HUH?!
YOU THINK I’M AFRAID OF YOU?!
YOU’RE NOT SO BIG!
YOU’RE NOT SO TOUGH!
C’MON, I DARE YOU!
C’MON, I’LL DESTROY YOU!
THAT’S IT, JUST WALK AWAY!
GO ON, JUST WALK AWAY!
Oh please, just walk away
Oh God, that dog was a monster
Oh man, I need to relax
Or at least switch to herbal tea
Another Bag
Love
True, unbridled love
Is looking at what I just did
On the sidewalk
And then picking it up in a bag
I can only imagine as a treasured keepsake
Wow, the collection you must have by now
Chain Reaction
Late one night
I step out in the yard
And bark
Then the neighbor’s dog barks
Then his neighbor’s dog barks
And so it goes
House to house
Street to street
Town to town
State to state
Coast to coast
Until the very last dog
Tallies up those barks
And that’s how we elect our president
Next Car Over
Hey, there’s a dog in the next car over
There’s a dog in that car by the light
Hey, dog!
Dog!
Okay, dog, let me—
I’m just trying to—
Please stop interrupt—
If I can get in one—
FINE, DOG! IS THAT HOW YOU WANT IT?!
YOU LIKE SOMEONE TALKING OVER YOU?!
HUH?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!
And now he’s gone
Sigh
This is why I never make friends
King of the Mountain
I am king of this icy mountain!
I am ruler of this wintry hill!
I am conqueror of this frozen peak!
So I lift my leg to claim my throne
So I notice the ice starts to melt
So I fall right through this huge snowdrift
So if you could come dig me out
I would very much like
To go back to my warm, dry home
Look at Me!
“Look at me!” I bark
As I run around the dog park
And you point at me with pride
“Look at me!” I bark
As I play with other dogs
And you give me a happy wave
“Look at me!” I bark
As I wag my tail with glee
And you show me a great big smile
“Look at me!” I bark
As I shove my nose so far up another dog’s
ass
I’m almost looking out its mouth
And you become fascinated with your shoes
CHAPTER
BY YOUR SIDE
People need a lot of reassurance
So show them that you love them
And never wince when they sing
DOG PRECEPT
Wingman
I wag my tail
I tilt my head
I give a little wink
I flash my smile
I show my belly
I give a little lick
I do it all
From sit to speak
To attract women far and near
Then you chime in
With something about “fan fiction”
And I realize we’re going to die alone
Time
Where did you go?!
Where have you been?!
Do you know how long you’ve been gone?!
Three hours!
Or fifteen minutes
Or six months
The point is
I’ve been waiting at that door
For eighteen straight years
And every one of those twelve seconds killed me
If You Got Lost
If you got lost I would find you
If you got hurt I would help you
If you got trapped I would save you
If you got abducted by aliens
I would cripple their ship’s computer system
By uploading a virus—somehow
For you I would swim across the deepest ocean
For you I would jump across the widest chasm
For you I would race across the biggest country
So now that you know
All that I would gladly do for you
Maybe you can do something for me
And give me a braver name than “Wiggles”
And Then Our Eyes Lock
And then our eyes lock
And then the world stops
And then I realize
Man, I’m really wrapped around your leg
Man, I’m really going to town
Man, I’m clearly not stopping
So believe me when I say
Our next twenty minutes together
Will be the most awkward of my entire life
Lassie
How come
With just a few barks
Everyone can understand
That Lassie is saying
Timmy fell down the well
But with my end
less whining and gnawing
You can’t understand
That I am saying
I’d rather the earth swallowed me whole
Than go out in public wearing this raincoat
Six Ways
There are six ways
To say my name
One, when you are happy to see me
Two, when you are afraid you lost me
Three, when you instruct me
Four, when you scold me
Five, when you nuzzle me
And six, when you catch me
Eating another dog’s poo
Although that last one
Just seems to involve a lot of
screaming and nausea
Never Learn
Why
Why
Why
Do I think that
Every time you tell me to get in the car
You’re finally taking me to the
Hole-Digging Shoe-Chewing
Butt-Sniffing Ball-Licking
And not for my shots
When I See You
When I see you head for the kitchen
I know it’s time for my dinner
When I see you walk to the yard
I know it’s time for us to play
When I see you go to the car
I know it’s time for a drive
When I see you turn on the TV
I know it’s time for my head on your lap
And when I see you climb into bed
I know it’s time for my walk
Kisses
I lick your face when you bend down to pet me
I lick your hand when it hangs off the chair
I lick your palm when you nuzzle my chin
I lick your feet when you’re sound asleep
I lick your nose
I lick your legs
I even lick your eye
(When I try to lick your cheek)
I lick and lick and lick you
All over and over again
Because I love you
And because one day you’re going to fall
Into a vat of taco meat
And frankly I don’t want to miss out
Sit
You want me to sit?
You’d like me to sit?
You need me to sit?
You’re asking me to sit?
You’re saying louder for me to sit?
You’re yelling for me to sit?
You’re begging for me to sit?
You’re pleading for me to sit?
You say the word “sit”
Like I have any clue what it means
But I love your enthusiasm
And so I jump up and down with joy
for the both of us
Dog Breath
Smell my breath
Go ahead, smell my breath
Really get in there
Right up to my mouth
And smell my dog breath
Can you guess what it is?
Can you tell what I ate?
Because I swallowed it so fast
Before it could escape
And frankly, I’m curious to find out
No Longer Together
My two people no longer share a bed
So now one mattress is far too big
My two people no longer share a home
So now one smell I cannot find
My two people no longer share a life
So now one person I don’t see much at all
My two people no longer are together
And I can’t help but wonder
If it’s because of something I did
Or maybe that Turkish rug I soiled
Lapdog
A lapdog
Is any dog
Who wants to be really close
So stop your muffled screams
And your cracking pelvis
And just celebrate the fact
That this mastiff loves you so
Special Word
There’s a special word
We dogs have
To express our great pleasure
Upon seeing our favorite person
It’s “bark”
But be careful
For “bark”
Also means 742,000 other things
So it’s all really about the context
CHAPTER
HEAVY THINKING
It’s not easy being a dog
Especially when your person
Thinks you look good in hats
DOG MUSING
The Naming
Give me something strong
Give me something powerful
Give me something noble
Give me something memorable
Give me something
To carry through all my years
With back straight and chin held high
But then you ask your three-year-old daughter
“Why don’t you name the new puppy?”
And I’m so screwed that I could cry
The Cone
Thanks to the cone
I can’t gnaw at my stitches
Thanks to the cone
I can’t turn my head
Thanks to the cone
I can’t navigate hallways
Thanks to the cone
I get stuck in doorways
Thanks to the cone
I misjudge the stairs
Thanks to the cone
I get claustrophobic when I bend
for my food dish
Thanks to the cone
Thanks to the cone
Our every game of catch turns into basketball
Thanks to the cone
I can’t gnaw at my stitches
But all these psychological scars
Will never heal
Ponder
Sometimes
When I’m running on the beach
The warm wind in my face
The cool water at my paws
The bright sun shining on us all
I’ll stop for a moment
Look out at the brilliant blue ocean
And think
“Have I really eaten the same exact dinner
For eight years straight?”
Just a Head’s Up
Every time
Man
Forces one dog
To fight another dog
God
Moves one step closer
To handing the world over to the roaches
I Bite
Sometimes I bite when I’m afraid
Sometimes I bite when I’m in pain
Sometimes I bite to protect myself
Sometimes I bite to show I’m in charge
Sometimes I bite because I don’t know
any better
And sometimes I bite because it’s been
four hours
And you’re still talking about last night’s
Dancing with the Stars
Sometimes a dog can only take so much
Halloween
I don’t want to go as a ballerina
For Halloween
Fine, I’ll go as a ballerina
If you don’t take any photos of me
Fine, you can take one photo of me for Facebook
If I don’t have to go outside in this outfit
Fine, I’ll go outside in this outfit
If I don’t have to be embarrassed
house to house
Fine, I’ll be embarrassed house to house
If I can have some of your chocolate
What do you mean dogs can’t have chocolate?
Fine, I’ll just eat the wrappers
If I can throw up in your bag
The Best Day
Today is the best day
Today is the greatest day
Today is the most amazing
Fantastic
Utterly incredible day
Ever
Because it’s Saturday
Wait, it’s Tuesday?
Well, that’s great, too
Food
Food
Food food food
Food food food food
Food food
Food
Who says a dog
Can’t write a love sonnet?
Hello
I’m sorry he’s out of breath
I’m sorry he’s in such distress
I’m sorry he’s in a fetal position
Sobbing on the floor
But you know if I could
I most certainly would
Give a head’s-up by yelling, “CROTCH!”
Before greeting your date full-speed
at the door
Date Night
Every time I watch
Lady and the Tramp
I think
“SHE’S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!”
“QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT ALL NOW!!!”
“GROWL! BARE YOUR TEETH! DO SOMETHING!”
“OH, DON’T GIVE HER THE MEATBALL!
THERE’S MEAT IN IT!”
“IDIOT!”
But then again
I’m not the romantic type
Playing
We’re not fighting
We’re playing
We’re not arguing
We’re playing
We’re not biting
We’re . . . OW!!!
Really, Mitzi? The thigh?!
Oh, that’s it. It’s go time!
New Career
I think that birds
Should fly high and free
I think that rabbits
Should hop and not flee
I think that ducks
Should swim safe and sound
I think that foxes
Should not fear this hound